A Different Perspective: 2014

Friday, November 7, 2014

How to Treat Deep Wounds in Friendship

The moment you realize you have hurt someone whom you care about, there is this sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach and an ache that silently grows in the deepest part of your heart. You question the "what if's" and "if only's", however, this does nothing to calm the tempest raging in your soul, as your normal day turns into the day you wish you could forget existed.

Such was my experience this morning upon waking and realizing that I had caused great hurt to a friend. Neglecting to invite this dear lady to a wedding shower that took place the previous evening. Unfortunately, this was not just a social event but the shower of her future grand-daughter (in-law). In the hurry and hush of throwing a surprise shower for the bride, this was a major oversight on my part and I knew that her heart would be broken. I felt sick, it was my fault, I had unintentionally inflicted a wound upon my friend.

We often talk about how we are just "human" and we "all" make mistakes, however, it's not so easy to swallow, when it's your turn to make the mistake. It is even harder when the misdeed is committed against you. Wounds of the heart don't heal on their own they must be tended to and purposefully stitched back together in order to gain restoration. This is often painful but always necessary!

With a heavy heart I picked up the phone and called her to admit my wrong and seek forgiveness. I was not prepared for the spirit with which my words were received. Not the spiteful words of an angry heart or the resentful words of a broken heart but the tender admission that the oversight hurt but all would be forgiven. Her response was full of graciousness, exemplifying one of the clearest examples of a Christ-like spirit that I have ever had the blessing of encountering. She had every "right" to feel left out, hurt and angry with me and yet she chose to set aside those "rights" and extend to me undeserved forgiveness and even understanding. Instead of tearing down the walls of our friendship and berating me, causing the wound to fester and grow, she chose to quickly grab a needle with thread and allow the Heavenly Father to stitch up her wounded spirit and restore our friendship.

Is there a wound currently festering in your heart? Do you feel the pain and distress of betrayal? Maybe the sting of rejection or the disappointment of deceit? You have a choice to make, and my prayer is that your choice will be the same as my dear friend, Alice. That you might, with strength from above, accept with graciousness the sting of the needle, as you seek to restore the person who may have hurt you most and heal the wound from festering. And maybe some day down the road when you are on the other side of the coin and realizing with remorse that you have done another wrong, the same courtesy might be extended to yourself!

You have a choice to make when you hurt someone:

1) Ignore the Situation - Hoping it goes away
Result: Never works! A wound unattended is left to fester and stink with infection.

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins,

and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." ~ I John 1:9

              2) Blameshift - It's always easier to pass the blame to someone else who may or
                                          may not have been involved.
   Result: Loss of respect for you as a person

"He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth

and forsaketh them shall have mercy. ~ Proverbs 28:13

   3) Take the Offensive - "I can't believe they would get upset over such a silly thing"
   Result: Only heaps coals of fire upon the offense, showing an unrepentant heart
                                   full of pride

"And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted. ~ Matthew 23:12

"If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is

not in us." ~ I John 1:8

4) Humility - Accept Responsibility and Request Forgiveness
Result: Leads to Restoration! It may just be a step towards healing but it reflects

your effort to right the wrong done against them.

"But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud,

but giveth grace unto the humble." ~ James 4:6

You have a choice to make when someone hurts you:

               1) Ignore it - Burying it deep inside (sometimes this also involves ignoring any blame
                                      that you need to take responsibility for in the situation)
   Result - The confidence you place in yourself to manage the pain with out dressing
                                  the wound will surely lead to a nasty infection of bitterness.

"And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any:

that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive

you your trespasses." - Mark 11:25

2) Spread it - You are hurting and angry and you want to let everyone else know what
an awful friend this person has been to you. Instead of offering them the chance to make it right, you involve others.

Result: You have spread the hurt, infecting those around you

"A froward man soweth strife: and a whisperer separateth

chief friends." ~ Proverbs 16:28

3) Retaliation - You wounded me and so now I will counter attack!
Result - Two wounded hearts.

'You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the sons of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself; I am the LORD. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Revenge,-And-Retaliation#sthash.EaP6LSdJ.dpuf

"Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against thy people,

but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself:

I am the Lord" ~ Leviticus 19:18

                4) Offer up Forgiveness - Sacrifice your own hurt feelings overcoming bitterness.
                    Result - Allows healing to begin and restoration can be found. Though a scar
                                  may remain, the heart will gain normal functionality.

"Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another,

if any man have a quarrel against any:

even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye." ~ Colossians 3:13

Today the realization hit me, that it is in the face of our humanity, that life changing decisions are made. Decisions for or against integrity, morality, and spirituality. They may not seem all that grave, in the moment, but they set the course for our future path. We choose whether we will harbor unforgiveness, towards an offense that deeply wounded us, or pick up the needle and thread, allowing God to stitch up our pain and restore our damaged friendship. Regardless of which side of the offense you find yourself on, don't leave a wound unattended, it will fester and create infection, that not only destroys your relationships, but will lead to the death of your own gracious and forgiving spirit.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

The Frustration of a Flare-Up

Before you can know the Frustrations of a Flare-up you must know what a Flare-up is:

Flare-up (as defined by me): The uncalled for arrival of unwanted symptoms, scars, and emotions!

Anyone with an autoimmune disease or condition understands the full meaning of the ugly flare-up. It always seems to arrive uninvited at the most inconvenient times, littering nasty symptoms through the canvas of your body, with no concern as to how this will affect your previously planned but now irrelevant schedule of events.

I used to call these occurrences a "reaction". Yes, I'm having another "reaction". However, that implies that you are "reacting to" something and therefore invites these questions: "Do you know what you're reacting to this time? Did you accidentally get glutened? Why are you reacting again? What did you eat? I thought you fixed this by going gluten free?" The only answers I have to these, are at best, just a guess as to what my overly sensitive immune system has flared up to this time.

Nice and early this morning I woke up with extreme joint pain in my left arm, no it wasn't a heart attack but it was painful enough to get me out of bed at 4am to retrieve my emergency supply of benadryl and some over the counter pain meds. I could feel the frustration building from that point on because I knew that this day was not in my control anymore. These are the moments when I have to spend a bit of time talking to God and asking Him to help me deal with these unwanted frustrations:

Frustration #1:

Anytime you are in pain it is frustrating - you tend to be short with your loved ones - you tend to be cranky with every little thing that might go wrong. It's like when you hit your fingernail with the hammer and someone asks if you're alright just as it happens, in the midst of the pain all you want to say is "NO, I'm not alright, does it look like I'm alright I just hammered my nail black and blue!". However, you usually just say, "Yea, I'm okay"as you roll your eyes at least that's what I do if you ask my mom she'll tell you.

Remedy for #1:

While facing this frustration the best thing to do is keep your mouth shut because those around you don't deserve the emotional roller coaster that you are on, they really just want to help you. Although I don't wish to spend every day locked up in my bedroom secluded from my children there are certain moments when it is preferable that I do just that in order to spare them my up and down emotions as even the softest sounds of my husband chewing his food or the kids searching through their legos for their missing piece sound to me like a thousand nails scratching down a chalkboard. It's just hard to have a decent conversation in this moment. So yes a little alone time may be called for.

Frustration #2:

You recognize that this is another set back about to happen and the last thing you want to do is be set back again. It reminds me of snowshoeing in Vermont after a heavy fluffy snow. Your snow shoes sink so deep into the snow that it feels like you're climbing a mountain just to take the next step, while at the same time ice cold snow melts into your boots and freezes your legs. Throughout this 4 year journey with Celiac Disease I have felt so many setbacks and although I try to become numb to the feeling I still get emotional when it happens and I have to truly fight the emotional side effects of another setback.

Remedy #2:

For each one of us the remedy to this one may be different. You must not focus on the disappointment of the setback but instead take it as another opportunity to investigate the causes. If you're like me you often have no clue what has led to your most recent set back but maybe, as much as we hate to admit it, there might be another trigger food out there to be aware of. Never stop learning about your disease and how your body reacts to it. I have begun to keep a food journal as much as I really hope that there are not other foods that I have to eliminate I also want to experience healing. The other cure I use for this frustration is a note that I wrote myself when I was feeling good reminding myself that although I might be in the dumps for a few days this too shall pass. Truly I have been having more good days than bad and that is some hope to hold onto.

Frustration #3:

A flare-up means that you're going to be missing out on time with friends and family. Today our Sunday School class is having a Volleyball tournament and Cookout at the church and I was looking forward to having some down time with friends. Also, I usually help my husband get everything ready for such events but today I was useless. The most I was able to do was help him load the grill into the trailer and even that nearly put me into a full blown asthma attack. It's also frustrating to those who planned to spend time with you, often it's hard for them to understand why you aren't around like you said you would be or like you used to be. It's a lot of pressure to feel the burden of letting someone down and during a flare-up your thinking is usually physiologically more depressed anyway. Beware not to allow yourself to dwell on negative thinking. "...whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." Phil. 4:8b

Remedy for #3:

The only remedy I have for this is to make the best of the good days you have. There will be times when they are far and few in-between but there will be other times when you'll experience many good days before a flare-up. Take advantage of your good days to spend time with those you love and enjoy being around.

Frustration #4:

This last frustration is mostly rooted in vanity. It is very frustrating to see the physical side effects of a flare-up. For each one of us it is different but for most it includes a lot of swelling, water retention, rashes and even a throw back to the horror's of your teen years with acne. It's just not pretty!

Remedy for #4:

Just be glad that it goes away! Right? That's all I could come up with on this one ;)

If you are out there suffering from a Flare-Up right now or you've been where I am then I just want you to know that despite how it feels...You Are Not Alone!! So keep fighting against the frustrations of the Flare-Up

Friday, January 3, 2014

A Day in the Life of a Glutening

The newest word in my vocabulary is "glutening". It has also become a word I loath. I am allergic to gluten and and when you accidentally ingest gluten we call it a "glutening" or "getting glutened". Oh, if only restaurants could understand what this does to someone with Celiacs. It is so much more than a preference not to eat gluten, it's even more than an upset tummy or a little nausea. This happened to me yesterday when in a moment of weakness I made a rookie celiac mistake:

I was at a local restaurant and ordered a drink...nothing else on their menu was "safe" until I started asking about their french fries. Most fries don't contain gluten but usually restaurant fries will be cross contaminated when the restaurant cooks them with other fried foods. So you learn to ask if they have a dedicated fryer just for fries. I actually did remember to ask this and they said "Yes, we have a dedicated fryer".

Wonderful!! I can order a small fry with my drink. This was good news...or so I thought. Unfortunately, I didn't have my husband with me, as he always reminds me to ask if they cook their morning hash browns in the dedicated fryer (which is almost always a yes) and hash browns do contain gluten! I sat down with my fries and after eating just one I felt a burning in my stomach. Never a good sign...hmm...I quickly set the fries aside and said a quick prayer that my worst fear was wrong.

Well...my stomach was telling me the reality of my mistake...are you serious? I messed up again? Maybe it won't be as bad this time? That's it I'm swearing off of restaurants for good? Did I mention that there is a very emotional side to being glutened? Every Celiac new or old has been here with me, that moment you realize you have been GLUTENED! We try so hard to avoid this allergen called gluten, adjusting our eating habits and changing our way of life. Missing the old freedom we used to have to eat whatever and where-ever we want to. But is it really that big of deal? How bad can gluten really make you feel? It really can't be all that bad right? Is "glutening" a real term? I'm glad you asked. I thought it would be helpful for those who might not have food allergies to know what someone who does goes through when accidentally ingesting even a small amount of the allergen. It may also be helpful for those of you who do, to know that you are not the only one out there that faces these issues.

I kept a play by play of what happened yesterday after eating that one fry and this is why Gluten is a big deal to me:

12:01pm – Ordered a soda at a local restaurant and was tempted by the fries. Asked if they cooked their fries in a dedicated fryer…YES!!! Awesome their ff are gluten free

12:05pm – Ate one fry…felt it burn a bit as it hit my stomach. Set the fries aside.

12:06pm – Stomach begins cramping

12:10pm – Pain begins to radiate into lower back

12:30pm – 25minutes spent in the bathroom (T.M.I but that's what happens)

12:56pm – Upper shoulder pain begins…cramping still continues in stomach

1:15pm – Back begins itching

1:40pm – Back to the bathroom

2:26pm – Chills begin

2:29pm – Lower back pain increases and travels down my legs radiating in my joints all the way down to my ankles.

2:53pm – Short of breath – using heating pad for back pain (Took 2 Benadryl)

3:14pm – Nausea & Itchy foot rash flares up

4:07pm – Chills continue. Brain fog setting in as well as headache

4:00pm-6:00pm – Rested with heating pad (Took 2 more Benadryl)

6:30pm – Stomach swollen to twice it’s normal size – sneezing begins as well

8:00pm – Short of breath again (2 more Benadryl)

10:15pm – Restless leg syndrome going crazy – whole body achy – very exhausted but insomnia (Benadryl)

Second Day:

Woke up with burning scalp & Pounding headache

Legs still pretty shaky

Lower back and Joint pain are gone in return:

Stiff neck

Fatigue

Sores in mouth

Any sound or light irritates me (not a great side effect with 4 kiddos)

No appetite

Symptoms lasted until 7pm of the second day then energy gradually begins to return, appetite returns with a vengeance. Headache subsides first and then by midnight burning scalp begins to fade away.

Alas, I have survived yet another glutening! Hopefully I will avoid this rookie mistake next time.

I kept track of this experience for my own good, but thought I would share it because many of you may know people with food allergy issues. Maybe you can be an advocate, or at least a friendly face when others get annoyed with them for asking a million questions before ordering their food, or asking what ingredients a pot-lock dish was made with. You might be able to give them an ounce of patience because you now understand that for some of us, one misstep, as small as a french fry, will have two days full of consequences. If you have a family member celiac's the best thing you can do is let them get lots of rest during the process, try not to get frustrated with them (we are frustrated enough) and help them not to beat themselves up about it. I have talked to Celiac's who have been gluten free for 10 years and even they get glutened, accidentally, every once in a while. All of us hate it, but we can deal with it and learn from it each time.

I would love for you to share your experiences with me in the comments below!

Disclaimer: I do not have any medical training in food allergies and this is a record of my own personal experience with gluten. No two people are exactly alike in either their reactions or their sensitivities to food allergens so you may find that others have a very different experience and that they may be able to handle more or less than I can. Also, I did not write this so that you would feel sorry for me and what I go through. I wrote it to be educational. I love being gluten free because it has given me my life back. Having to deal with 2 days of sickness is just part of the learning process for me right now. I hope that it can be a help to others going through the same process. Thanks for reading!

A Different Perspective